Five Important Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Life Changes

After a recent presentation about aging and planning, several people came up to me with essentially the same question:

“How do I have these conversations with my spouse?”

It is a good question. Perhaps the best question.

Most couples have spent years talking about the things that make up a life together: children, work, money, vacations, the house, retirement, and what to have for dinner.

But some of the most important conversations are also the easiest to put off. And the worst time to discover that you have very different ideas about what should happen next is after something has already gone wrong.

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Here are five conversations worth having before life makes you have them.

1. Where Do We Want to Live and What Would Make Us Reconsider?

Ask most people where they want to live as they get older, and the answer is predictable: “Right here.”

That makes sense. Home represents familiarity, independence, community, memories, and often decades of work. But “I want to stay in my home” is only the beginning of the conversation. The more useful question is:

What Would Have to Change Before This House Stopped Working for Us?

Maybe stairs become difficult. Maybe maintaining the property becomes too much. Maybe one spouse needs considerable care. Maybe driving becomes difficult. Maybe the surviving spouse could live comfortably in the house but couldn’t realistically manage it alone.

Staying home may still be the right answer. The important thing is to talk about what might change the answer before one of you is trying to make that decision alone.

2. How Will We Know When a Change is Something to Worry About?

We all change as we get older. We become more cautious about some things and less interested in others. We forget names. We lose our keys. After retirement, illness, or the death of someone close to us, our routines and priorities may change substantially.

A change isn’t necessarily a problem. But sometimes it is.

One of the hardest questions families face is determining when respecting someone’s independence should give way to expressing concern. Instead of trying to define today exactly which changes would be a problem, start with:

• If I started noticing changes in you that concerned me, how would you want me to bring it up?

And then go one step further:

• What kinds of changes would you want me to take seriously?

3. What Happens If One of Us Needs Care?

Most spouses assume they will take care of each other. That is one of the often unspoken promises they make to each other.

But what does “I’ll take care of you” actually mean? Does it mean helping with medications and appointments? Helping someone bathe and dress? Getting up several times every night? Leaving work? Managing significant cognitive impairment? Providing care indefinitely, regardless of what it does to the caregiver’s own health?

Those are very different promises. So perhaps the more important question is:

What Would You Never Want Me to Sacrifice in Order to Keep Caring for You?

That question can lead to a very different and more useful conversation about what taking care of each other really means.

4. What Happens to You If I’m Not Here?

In many long marriages, couples develop a division of labor without ever formally deciding to do it. It works perfectly well, until that person isn’t available. Death is an obvious possibility, but it isn’t the only one. A spouse could be hospitalized, seriously ill, or unable to manage things because of cognitive impairment.

Start with the practical question:

What Would I Need to Know to Take Care of Myself If You Weren’t Here to Help Me?

That includes accounts, insurance, bills, professionals, passwords, property, and paperwork. But once those things are covered, there is a more personal question:

Who Would You Want Around Me, and What Would You Want Them to Help Me With?

A good estate plan can establish legal authority. It cannot replace everything your spouse knows about your life together or the conversations that help ensure your wishes are understood.

5. What Role Do We Want Our Children and Other People to Have?

Many couples assume their children or other family members will step in and help if something happens. Their children probably assume the same thing. But “help” is a remarkably vague job description.

Should the children speak up if they’re worried? Who should help with healthcare or finances? Should one person coordinate things, or should everyone participate? What happens if they disagree?

Those questions eventually lead to the harder one:

When Do We Want Our Children to Step in, Even If We Don’t Particularly Want Them to at the Time?

These conversations aren’t about surrendering control to your children. They are about giving the people who love you some idea of the role you actually want them to play.

Read More About:

• Updating Your Estate Plan After Losing a Spouse
• Why Estate Planning Changes After a Second Marriage
• Long-Term Care Planning Beyond Medicare and Medicaid Limits
• Elder Care Crisis Planning: What Families Need to Know

You Don’t Have to Solve Everything!

There is a reason couples avoid these conversations. They can feel enormous.

If the objective is to decide today where you will live at 85, exactly when you will stop driving, what care you will need, and precisely when your children should intervene, the conversation is almost impossible.

Fortunately, that isn’t the objective. You aren’t trying to predict your future. You are helping the person you love understand how you want to approach it together.

• Start with one question.
• Listen to the answer.
• Ask why.

You may discover that your spouse has been thinking about the same issue. You may discover that you agree completely. You may discover that you don’t.

Any of those is useful to know now.

Because the worst time to begin one of these conversations is often the moment when you desperately need the answer.

If you need help turning those conversations into practical next steps, Schulze Elder Life Planning can provide life planning support and estate planning support in Reno. We help Reno families prepare for future care, changing family needs, and important life transitions.

Give us a call at 775-853-5700 to discuss your family’s concerns and explore how thoughtful planning can help you prepare for what lies ahead.